The German Border Guard Story

[meth@aol.com]

Hi!

I'm not going to transcribe the entire story as Tori told it in Albany
because that would be just too damn long, but the gist of it is this:

She was in the early months of her first swing through Europe, and enjoying
every minute of it.  She had played in Amsterdam and Brussels, and was on her
way with someone named Amy (a friend who I think was also a record company
person, though I'm not sure) to do a show in Cologne.  They crossed the
Belgian/German border at Aachen, and were of course stopped at the line.

Amy knew German and Tori didn't, so Tori left everything to her. The border
guard asked the routine questions: Where are you going, for how long, why,
and where have you just been.  Well, Amy made the mistake of saying "Oh,
we've just been through Amsterdam."  Bzzt.  The guard looked at Tori and
said, "You.  Redhead.  Out of the car."

They were detained for close to five hours, while the guards almost took the
car apart looking for the drugs they were convinced were there (Amy had
immediately confessed she had three joints in her bag, so naturally they
weren't going to believe her when she said that's really all there was). 
They were strip-searched ("They showed me orifices where I didn't know I had
orifices") , and were in line to have their stomachs pumped (the audio on my
tape is a bit fuzzy at this point, so I don't know if that happened or not,
but I don't think they actually got that far).  Tori knew they were in
serious trouble.

She really had to go to the bathroom, which meant going into a cubicle with
the border guard and dealing with equipment that purposefully didn't flush. 
She made a small scene about "This is *my* doo.  It's *my* doo and nobody
else's, you leave my doo alone!", but not even the fact that it was a rather
inconvenient time of the month kept her from having that searched, too.  (She
admitted to a feeling of the sweetness of revenge at that one. :)

After all that the guards hadn't found anything, but they still weren't
convinced.  Finally in desperation Amy said, "Look, don't you know who she
is?  That's Tori Amos!  She's a rock star from London, and she's got to play
a concert in Cologne!"  The guard said, "You're from London?  Do you know
Phil Collins?"  It just so happened that Tori had recently provided backing
vocals for a b-side of Phil's (anybody know or care which one?), so she said
that yes she did, and she'd just finished working with him.

The guard suddenly got all friendly, and said, "Oh, well, you know Phil
Collins, in that case, you can go."

The moral of this story is: If you're ever detained for four hours by German
border guards who are convinced you're smuggling drugs, tell them you've just
done a b-side with Phil Collins and all will be well. :)

**NOTE:** Any mistakes in the retelling of this story are a factor of having
heard it once in a daze a week ago.  Corrections are welcomed, no flames,
please!!!

P.S. In case any of you are wondering if this story is a gross exaggeration,
I can relate to you volumes of similar stories (none of which are
first-person, thank the deities of the Universe, but happened to close
friends of mine) that prove otherwise.  Some German border guards (not to
mention policemen) can be real assholes!

Meredith Tarr
meth@aol.com