RDT Right Now #1885

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Really Deep Thoughts Right Now			Volume 03 : Issue #1885

              .
                    o - O - O - O - O - O - O - O - o
         .       o                                     o     .
               o                                         o
              O         "Thoughts right now...            O
              o        What will become of me,            o
              o       Become of her, become of we?"       o
          .    o                                         o     .
                 O                                     O
                    O - o - o - o - o - o - o - o - O
                             o                           .
                               o
                                  o
                                      o
                                         Tori Amos, "Thoughts"
In this issue:
o-o-o-o-o-o-o

  Call for Philip Morris!               [ John Bragazzi <utown@worldnet.att.n ]
  Judy                                  [ "J. Mathers" <jmathers@westol.com> ]
  tori article.                         [ <maier@tpg.com.au> ]
  coming in from the cold               [ Simon Booth <simonbooth@mac.com> ]


     Missed a digest? Pick up a copy at the RDTRN archives:
     http://www.torithoughts.org/rdtrn/archives


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Date: Sun, 21 Dec 2003 09:15:54 -0500
From: John Bragazzi <utown@worldnet.att.net>
To: RDT Right Now <rdtrn@torithoughts.org>
Subject: Call for Philip Morris!

Having the digests more frequently is definitely a good idea.  If they
wait too long, I start reading my own posts and thinking, "hey, this is
really intresting, I should write something about this myself."


Brian said:

> There have been a lot of times over the years that kids have pointed
> to me and said, "Daddy!".

I don't think this has ever happened to me.  Maybe you have a sort of
"daddy"-like look about you.


> They've certainly made up for my lack of interest in CDs.

I haven't bought many CDs recently.  Lack of funds, mostly, though I'm so
far out of the loop on "what's happening today" that I don't know what I'd
buy anyway.  Which is fine, because if I did know, I couldn't afford it.

I have been selling them, though, which is a good thing for several
reasons.  And it's a lot easier than selling LPs used to be.

Also, it's kind of nice being out of the loop.  When I was a professional
musician, I followed the trends and developments in the music world pretty
seriously.  It was part of my job, but it was not always much fun.  Now I
just let things happen and don't worry about it, and that's kind of
relaxing.

I've got my next CD and DVD purchases scoped out, though.  Both are due in
February.

CD: So-Called Chaos (with that title, you know it's Alanis, right?)

DVD: Kill Bill (Volume 1)



Bethey said:

> Breaking Up was Hard to do...

Very difficult, I know.  Not from personal experience, but I've lived with
smokers and watched them try to quit.  Of course, that was back when the
cigarettes included chemicals designed to make them even more addictive.
If those have actually been removed, it should be somewhat more possible
now.  I remember both of my parents quit when the Surgeon General's report
first came out, and they never went back to it.


> 95% of the money I gave you, you gave to the government,

The very same government which professes all the while to be against drugs.

As B/4,

John

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Date: Sun, 21 Dec 2003 21:12:14 -0500
From: "J. Mathers" <jmathers@westol.com>
To: <rdtrn@torithoughts.org>
Subject: Judy

We got to the hospital last Tuesday.  We were told last Friday that Judy was
physically stable and would not know us.  We could not add anything until
she retained consciences and thus waited the four days.  On the drive up to
Rochester I kept having mental slide shows of Judy's life.  I packed a suit
for a possible funeral but did not take it seriously.

When we got there, radical things were happening.  There was despair until
that day.  Judy was kept alive by machines.  They could not detect any brain
activity.  There was panic and Larry was waiting for a meeting with the
doctors to discuss pulling the plug.  They had performed four EEG tests and
found little brain activity.

Judy and Larry had a strange wedding and the wedding photos are at
www.fooledya.com/wedding.  This was one of Judy's happiest days.  Their vows
were that Larry was to cook for Judy and Judy promised continual dental
insurance.  However, Larry also by marriage became the one to play God for
Judy.  By playing God one decides on life and death situations.  Jean and I
had to play God when we conceived Judy in 1969 and we had to play God with
Jean's mother and my dad.  It is not easy to play God but now it was Larry's
duty to play God.  Even as Judy's Dad I knew I had passed this duty to
Larry.

On Tuesday they tried one more time and suddenly activity was detected and
Judy started opening her eyes.  The eyes stared off into space and there was
no response to anything.  We stayed at a Cancer Society facility and as I
looked through the library I found the novel "Contact" by Carl Sagan.  For
those of you that did not see the movie, the heroine convinces the world
governments to construct this machine as a matter of faith from a contact
from outside the earth.  Though the machine she finds herself traveling
through the galaxy in wormholes only to land on a distant planet.  There she
sees an illusion of her dad who had passed away.  In conversations the dad
says she must go home after only a few minutes of conversation.  She asks
why after all this effort and he answers "Only a small step at a time.  It
was been this way for millions of years."  I have never forgotten that scene
and it was on my find the rest of the week.  On Wednesday we were not sure
how much of Judy was still there.  Judy is an acclimation of all the people
she contacted in her life.  What is Judy is lock up in her brain and cannot
be seen directly.  We were told there was brain damage and had no idea how
much.  The question was "Does Judy still exist!"  On Thursday Larry took
Morgan into the room and when Judy heard her voice, there was an immediate
reaction.  We knew Judy still existed.

The progress was slow all week and Judy was sedated all but a few minutes
because she would go into convulsions without it.  We were looking for signs
for of any progress.  Judy is starting over and each threshold was recorded.
Morgan's next threshold is to walk but for Judy it was small thresholds.
"Only a small step at a time".  By Friday, she appeared to by having
"conversations with Larry by moving her head slightly.  On Saturday we
planned to return home and right before leaving we visited Judy.  We had a
"conversation" with Judy.  Judy would blink in response to our questions.
As we left the hospital we talked to a doctor and he said that scans show
very little brain damage and there is a change of a complete recovery.  Judy
still is in intensive care and has tubes all over the place including out of
her mouth.  She does not move her body and we are not too sure she can see.
She can feel pressure on her legs but there is so much we do not know.  But
Judy exists but how this is going to come out we do not know.  We still need
your prayers for Judy.

You may well ask what was going on in my mind though all of this.  I walked
away from the fire track accident where I should have been killed five years
ago.  I had convinced myself that Judy was going to walk away from this.
The whole week was like watching "Star Wars" for the 52nd time.  I know how
it is coming out so don't confuse the issue with all the details I see
before me.  The whole thing is like tunnel vision with no heavy emotional
involvement.  The worst-case scenarios never seem to enter my mind.

I thank you for all your support.  Judy was brain dead for three days and
suddenly came to life.  I am convinced your prayers and concerns had much to
do with this and I thank you.

Jim Mathers

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Date: Mon, 22 Dec 2003 19:37:54 +1000
From: <maier@tpg.com.au>
To: <mikewhy@iglou.com>
Cc: "rdtrn" <rdtrn@torithoughts.org>, <oztori@smoe.org>
Subject: tori article.

from salon.com:


Songs of the flesh

As Tori Amos' new greatest-hits collection demonstrates, the ultimate
tortured '90s alt-girl has always used her solipsistic body-obsessions as a
way to find the world.

By Laura Sinagra


Dec. 22, 2003  |  When I read the track list for Tori Amos' new
greatest-hits collection, "Tales of a Librarian," I was almost glad to see
that "Little Earthquakes," from her debut of the same name, wasn't included.
It would be a solid choice, but whenever I hear it, the years collapse and
I'm jerked back to 1991. It's Tuesday. The guy I think I love just told me
he's skipping the country ... oh, and he's seeing somebody else. I'm lying
on a hardwood floor, staring up at tear-blurred nothing. I call in sick to
work. I am sick. But I'm just well enough to reach up and rewind a linty,
distorting Maxell tape of "Little Earthquakes" about 40 times -- fading out
into its crashing piano paroxysms, floodgate-busting changes, Kate
Bush-meets-"Carrie" vocals, and histrionic observation: "Doesn't take much/
to rip us/ into pieces."

Like the protagonist in French director Marina de Van's recent film "In My
Skin," Tori Amos is obsessed with her body, with the smeared line between
healthy and hurt. De Van's movie, which has a poker-faced blast injecting
Cronenbergian horror with French feminist theory, concerns a young female
marketing exec who, once injured, begins to push the limits of her
sovereignty over her own flesh. Her physical self becomes a science project,
a source of raw material for craft, a source of food. Her nerve endings are
just land mines lacing a rich, plunderable country. Since Amos sforzandoed
onto the nascent alt-rock scene at the apex of grunge with her bench-humping
cover of "Smells Like Teen Spirit," she's written about the physical effects
of love and hate, about spirituality playing out on the body's battlefield.
Earthquake as bad-love orgasm. Bad love as laceration. Shame as crucifixion.
Menstruation, sex, rape, miscarriage, pregnancy -- as, well, as themselves.

For many girls coming of age in the '90s who weren't in conversation with
the equally graphic punk rock riot-grrrl scene (and some who were), Amos'
candid acknowledgments -- set to swoopingly infectious Andrew Lloyd
Webber-ish melodies -- were galvanizing. "Earthquakes'" powerful "Winter"
locates fearsome change in graying hair, "Silent All These Years" imagines
the protagonist's body, trapped in her boyfriend's jeans, as suddenly
piscene. "Precious Things" starts with a twisted ankle and ends with "Nine
Inch Nails and little fascist panties tucked inside the heart of every nice
girl." "Crucify" translates stigma as stigmata. And the rape novena "Me and
a Gun" involves the arresting image of a bent, breaking girl, stomach down
on a Cadillac Seville.

Amos' religion-flouting inquisition of the female corpus continued with
1993's "Under the Pink." The associative hopscotcher in her denial-tailspin
hit "Cornflake Girl" escapes to "sleepy-time" just as "things are getting
kind of gross." The bad-father fuck-off "God" alerts the big guy to the fact
that "a few witches burning gets a little toasty here." The title of Amos'
1996 album "Boys for Pele" refers to a fantasy of cad-like ex-boyfriends
being fed to a Hawaiian volcano goddess.

In 1997, "From the Choirgirl Hotel" offered the miscarriage lament "Spark,"
which found the exhausted Amos, who has spoken frankly about losing touch
with her sexuality during her pregnancy struggles, "doubting if there's a
woman in there somewhere." The residual moralism of the singer's Methodist
upbringing pops up on that record's weirdly guilty "Playboy Mommy," an
apology to an unborn child for mom's libertine choices.

Listening to the new 20-song "Tales of a Librarian," which collects these
and other fan faves from Amos' years at Atlantic Records (the bonus DVD
contains only a few live soundchecks, snapshots of Amos playing dress-up,
and what counts as cheesecake for the famously modest diva: a couple of
still-shot bra-with-jeans flashes), it seems more like a series of audio
snapshots from the collective bildungsroman of alt-girlhood than an
essential listening experience for the as-yet-uninitiated. It's hard to
imagine what a teenaged Avril Lavigne fan or devotee of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs'
intact hipster bravado might make of Amos' body-rending catharses, her
Jackie Kennedy odes, her New Age quirk.

Along with the aforementioned selections, "Tales of a Librarian" also
includes "Mr. Zebra" and "Way Down" (from "Boys for Pele") as well as the
Camelot script-flip "Jackie's Strength" (from "Choirgirl") along with
rarities "Mary" (virgin-whore issues, martyrdom and lots of bleeding) and
the George H.W. Bush-bashing "Sweet Dreams." I'm not sure if the pretty new
song "Snow Cherries from France" is allegorical or just decorative diary
lore, but another new ditty, "Angels," is a moment of cuckoo genius, casting
Florida's hanging chads from the 2000 presidential election as struggling
seraphim "trapped" by earthly evildoers.

This foray into politics continues the direction mapped in her last
record -- not excerpted here, since it wasn't released by Atlantic. That
album, "Scarlet's Walk" (Epic), was a moving and expansive road-trip
travelogue in which Amos uncharacteristically stepped outside herself to
commune with post-9/11 America, mixing essences with the likes of Navajo
spiritualists and Hollywood strippers, and of course, the title's tragic
Southern belle. It was a device that served Amos well, allowing her to
traverse the land as an extension of traversing the body.

The expanded scope of most of "Scarlet's Walk" -- the reach beyond the
self -- evidences a sociological curiosity and political bravery grown out
of personal contentment. New material documenting bliss with cats, gardens,
husband and child is predictably less interesting than her outward-looking
observations, but it functions almost as a dispatch from a formerly crazy
friend who figured out a way, albeit a bourgeois one, to survive.

It's somehow appropriate that Amos shows up in the feel-weird holiday movie
"Mona Lisa Smile," the Julia Roberts vehicle that on the one hand means to
plug radical feminism but also ends up validating here-and-now post-feminist
backlash. Our redhead fronts Wellesley College's 1953 Spring Fling swing
band, crooning torchily for girls who seek men and marriage as a shelter, or
perhaps even a safe base of operation for their newly-minted Ivy-esque
intellects. Amos' startling presence commands the camera's attention --
she's the idiosyncratic, brash, sometimes itch-inducing avatar of this very
paradox.

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Date: Mon, 22 Dec 2003 03:38:57 -0600
From: Simon Booth <simonbooth@mac.com>
To: rdtrn@torithoughts.org
Subject: coming in from the cold

pardon the long absence....been busy with classes and lots of other
thing.

I'm Simon, 33 as of this past July, and I've been on this list since
early 1998, around the same time I started really listening to Tori.
In many ways I really think I wouldn't be here posting this if it
hadn't been for her music- at a time in my life when I thought there
was no way out Tori (and the many friends I met here :) ) got me
through it.  Waiting for sunrise- while drifting out in the Kuiper Belt.

But I've been able to make the long flight sunward instead of setting a
course for Za'hadum.

What else?  I'm also a big sci fi fan, as well as being a bit of a
fanatic about anything about real spaceflight, astronomy, and aviation.
   I have a background in video production but never have been able to
find real work in that field, so I'm currently pursuing a computer
graphic arts degree at the local community college, and despite
sometimes feeling like I'm in way over my head (*real* painting and
drawing and art history classes as well as computer classes! ;) ), I've
really been enjoying the challenge so far- and I wish someone had told
me years ago that I could be artistic.  I've always loved creative
ventures but never really could find a way to really take off, and I
had always loved computers but when I was in high school (mid/late 80s)
the computer courses at that time were data processing and very
math-intensive computer science (PASCAL programming), and really
nothing beyond that.  Move things ahead to today, and I'm really
excited about the possibilities- digital video, multimedia, web
graphics, and electronic artwork.   I figure I should be able to get a
decent job doing at least one of those ;)

other things- I live in northwest San Antonio (Texas), actually almost
due west of the downtown area, and I've lived in my current apartment
almost two years.  Which I share with my dog Juno (got her almost a
year ago), a mix of what I think is Corgi and others I'm not totally
sure of, but she's a great dog :)

Did you know that dogs know when you've been spending too much time
inside or doing one thing for too long?  They do- and that's when they
start looking at you with that 'let's go for a walk' look :)

And I've been the proud owner of an iMac since June of this year.
With the laptop I used to have (running WinBlows '98), every time I'd
flip the screen up to turn it on Pinhead and his Cenobytes would appear
demanding my soul.

Great fun so far with the new computer, currently saving up for a good
printer and Photoshop :)

I think that's it for now.

by the way- I recently finished reading Arthur Clarke's "3001" (fourth
and last book in the Odyessy series), and with the ongoing theme of
goings on with Jupiter and its moons, I was reminded of Cyndi's use of
a pic of Callisto as the full moon on her site :)   Fitting to use a
Jovian moon on a Tori-themed page ;)

On a more serious note:  I've been doing a lot of thinking about what
I've done here over the past 6 years (as of the start of 2004) and
while it's been great overall, I've also had to realize the scope of a
lot of what I've said and done in the beginning, back in '98 and '99,
and while nothing can make up for it, if it means anything, I do regret
what I did back then.  It really hit home when I realized more and more
that even people who supported me back then ultimately became angry and
have stayed angry over such a long period of time, and it saddens me
knowing through my own actions I lost friends and drove people away
from this community.  It might not be much but the main reason behind
my staying away for such long periods more recently is to in some way
make up for the attention I recieved, as well as to make up for the
wasted bandwidth and as a show of respect for other people's feelings.

I do want to come back as a regular here but running in parallel with
the positive developments over the past few years is a very guilty
conscience over some of those acomplishments and the positive reactions
of the people around me.  My motives and intentions have always been
nothing less than honest but knowing that some people have seen
ulterior motives, even mistakenly, makes me stop and second guess,
asking myself if I really deserve a given success or step forward and
the positive reactions and support of the people around me.  In
contrast to a few years ago, I've been working hard keeping a low
profile and downplaying things.   The comments of a psychiatrist are
burned into my memory, calling my actions signs of a manipulative,
psychotic, and sociopathic person and it's been impossible to shake
that.  That somehow as I've been more and more real, and truer to
myself and the people around me, I've *lost* trust and credibility and
got threatened with a diagnosis that gets people locked up. Sharing my
experiences with others in similar situations is, to me, me wanting to
in some way try to help, to relate, letting someone know they're not
alone....  only I get told later that no, it's not helping, it's yet
again me trying to manipulate and steal (so to speak) from other
people's experiences.  Relating to someone's story isn't feeling an
emotional connection, it's a crass attempt to co-opt someone else's
experiences.

And I've never been able to understand *why* openness and sincerity
gets met with charges of lying and trying to hurt people.

I'm guilty of getting carried away, and letting my enthusiasm and
emotions get the better of me, but I promise there was never anything
nefarious in any of it.  The way I express things has never been some
scheme to manipulate people, it's simply me being *me*.... yes, I say
things sometimes in a metaphorical or abstract way, but there's no
hidden meaning, it's just the "language" I speak.
And sometimes it's the way my frustration comes through when I'm trying
to express something that *can't* be "translated" into real world terms.

Much of what I expressed in the beginning was my attempt to make up for
a lifetime of hiding *everything*.  I found a community of like-minded
people (love of Tori's music) and for the first time in my life, knew I
had found people who I could be real with.

I mean it when I say that without Tori's music and the support of
people here I know I would not be here now typing this.  For me it
really was about survival.

Cold dark nights, and through the static, the call of Za'ha'dum.
Tori's music was the only thing that was louder.  And ultimately it and
the support of newfound friends here is what drove me out of that
darkness.

But what I never understood is why during that same time I was seen as
hurting people and ultimately driving people away- and realizing later
that some of those friends were hurt by what I did.  One of them who
stood with me the most back then won't even respond to my emails now.

  I wish there was a way I could do more to make up for that.  I've been
nothing but real here but I have to accept that I *did* cause damage,
and for that I am truly sorry, to Violet and to everyone else here.

And never think I've taken this community for granted or never
appreciated everyone's support.

arija- sorry about the 9/11 comments I made.  and dani, I'm sorry about
the teacher remarks I made and the overuse of smileys.

replies:

happy birthday sara and juan!

bethey wrote:

 >I'm a "jack Mormon".

Sounds like an idea for a detective show. "Jack Mormon: Private Eye" ;)

 >I also want to jump out of an airplane one day (not off bridges or
buildings
 >though), and would love to learn how to fly (but not in an airplane).

One way to learn to fly is to not think about flying and throw yourself
at the ground...  ;)

john b wrote:

 >Celebrity crushes?  Hmm.
 >
 >Sigourney Weaver, of course.

Have you seen the director's cut release of "Alien"?  Very cool.  I saw
it back around Halloween, and it's the first time I got to see that
movie in a theatre.  Final scenes are really intensified in a dark
theatre!


> >>$$$ New Shit Has Come To Light digest $$$
 >
 > Do you have to use so many cuss words?  :-)

yeah, I wish people would watch their fucking language around here!

Linda(Gyne): a fellow lefthander!  cool!

 >                      $$$ Sad Bastard Music digest $$$

the little known eighth dwarf!

happy birthday Nury!

Nell wrote:

 >since I'm saving to goto Ireland in march. I would love to find
 >some inspiration there. Possibly grave stone art. I'll have to remember
 >my charcoal and tracing paper.

My parents took some excellent pics of some of those sites when they
were there last spring (side trip as part of their UK trip).  I've
always been fascinated with the intricate detail of Celtic designs- the
twisting lines and those "knot" patterns for example.  Every photo has
this really surreal otherworldly look to it, just something about the
way the terrain and lighting seem to mix.

funny thing about their drive through Ireland: not once did they play
any Enya over the car's stereo ;)

from linda(gyne):

 >Oh, definitely go skydiving!  I went last fall for my
 >brother's 30th birthday, and it was incredible beyond
 >words.

really make it interesting next time and yell "yeeehaah!" while waving
a hat as you freefall.

Another interesting spin on skydiving: jumping from the rear door of a
727 airliner in flight.

succubus megan wrote:

 >Also, every bit of technology in my life is breaking.  It's horrible.
 >Obviously, there's some sort of conspiracy going on to drive me Amish.
  It's >terrible.  I'll have to wear buttonless outfits and be really
hot from lack of >air conditioning.  Dammit!  Salvation is sweaty!

never joke about turning your back on technology.  Or else you'll end
up living in a cabin in the woods (or by the woods by the woods...)
writing a manifesto.... ;)

what do you all think of the design for what's to be built on the WTC
site?  Local radio twits here in San Antonio were bitching about it,
calling it a message to the terrorists that we've given up!  huh?  it's
planned to be taller that either of the original twin towers- to me,
putting an even bigger structure is a great way of saying "up yours" to
the terrorists.  Apparently the radio twits were on a tear about how
the office floors go up to 70 stories, not the full height of the
proposed structure.  Again, I say I don't get how *that* somehow
conveys letting the terrorists win.

And I hope that doesn't sound pro-war on my part.  I know there are
examples of sites of destruction being left in place or not rebuilt as
a form of a memorial (the ruined building in Hiroshima and the Memorial
Park in Oklahoma City come to mind) but in the case of New York, it
only seems fitting that something bigger to replace the original WTC be
built.

speaking of New York- is it just me, or is now creepy as hell watching
the film "Escape From New York"?  Movie was made in 1981, but a couple
of key scenes are unnerving to watch nowadays.

bethany wrote:

 >i wish i knew what the hell was so special about the South Beach Diet.

the empty fridge diet is so much easier!

happy birthday Sabrena, Christina, and Tait!

jim- sorry to hear about your daughter. I have a cousin who had cancer
when she was 9, and it was rough getting treated and the recovery was
long, but she'll be 23 next month.  But I know a little about the
feeling of everything being done and it's not enough...never quite goes
away.

jessica wrote:

 >japan, cuba and brazil next
 >summer. there's my elaborate traveling goal. oh and australia because
my dad
 >is taking me. :D

uh, go to cuba and you might not want to risk returning to the US.
And also made a huge mistake mentioning that you'll be visiting
Australia.... ;)

cyndi (wouldn't it be funny if her boyfriend were named Richard?) wrote:

 >if somebody came up to you and asked "how do you pray?" and didn't
accept
 >"I don't pray" for an answer and didn't mean strictly the way
Christians
 >pray... (in other words.. that person would also accept the way a
Wiccan
 >prays for example)...

I'm reminded of something said by Commander Sinclair in one of the
first season Babylon 5 episodes: "Mabye God doesn't care how we say our
prayers, just as long as we say them".

I've had my own problems with religion over the past few years or so.
The idea of a higher power in the universe does resonate with me, but I
simply cannot go along with organized religion because it's been my
experience that so much negativity gets thrown in the mix.  I recall
religion being introduced in disability support situations- and only
the really fatalistic "it's God's will, end of discussion" point of
view was given any credence, rather than someone bringing spirituality
along as an attempt to help and inspire people.  Beyond that, I
*really* take issue with the hellfire and damnation preaching- even
more so in recent years because some of that preaching not so subtely
calls for the death of people like myself.

I do realize though that it's a terrible problem of a handful of people
giving religion a bad name.

I used to take a more critical look at religion (translation:
irreverent smartass! ;) ) but someone emailed me and told me to cut it
out (hi Bethey ;) ).


happy birthday loria!  watch out for the sandmen!

wwtd?

Simon




    o-o-o  o-o-o  o-o-o  o-o-o  o-o-o  o-o-o  o-o-o  o-o-o  o-o-o  o-o-o

               *** Walking in a Winter Wonder Bra digest ***

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{O:'  \:.-'_.-\_)____       (_   (_ .  _) _)                  \ _ /
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